Have you ever met and became friends with a very well-formed, handsome man who just so happened to be married? And by chance when you found out that this man was married, was it before or after you two were intimate with each other? Me personally, I actually found out both ways. For me finding out afterwards made me feel guilty. I think knowing ahead of time seduced me.
When I met Joe* there were no signs of him being married. The most obvious sign couldn’t be seen. Joe* never wore his wedding band. Joe* and I would spend time together, we did the movie and dinner thing a lot. We had fun together. Then came that time, the dinner was delicious and we both agreed that dessert would be better back at his place. Believe me when I say that dessert was the best part of the meal. After dessert I asked was it okay for me to use the shower. He said it was fine. Now as I was in the shower, I noticed some female products. I let the shower run and did what we hope that others aren’t doing when they visit our bathrooms. I took inventory. The more I searched, the more feminine products I found. That’s when it hit me, Joe* was a married man. I stopped the shower and quickly got dressed. When I came out of the bathroom, he asked me to stay but I told him that I couldn’t. As we were walking through his place, I noticed a picture of him standing next to a woman and asked who she was. He calmly said, “that’s my wife, she isn’t due back home until next week.” I would have preferred him to tell me that it was his sister. Even though Joe* told me he had a wife after the crime was committed, I still felt guilty. I couldn’t believe that he knew he was married and still wanted to be with me sexually behind his wife’s back. After that one time, Joe* and I were never intimate with each other again.
Now the second time that this happened to me, I truly couldn’t believe it. I knew ahead of time that Craig* was married. He wore his ring yet, we were both very much attracted to each other. This started off as friends but somewhere down the road we made a wrong turn, a few too many times. I knew that Craig* was married but never thought he would be on the prowl. I also never knew that I would be intimate with a married man more than once. I knew ahead of time that this man was married and I still chose to become sexually involved with him. I hate to admit this but when I would make a booty call to this man, he would come and I mean that literally. During this affair, guilt was there but would always leave after he left my left leg steadily shaking. But at the same time I asked myself why should I feel guilty when this man was more than willing to sleep with me and not think twice about his wife?
These two men had one thing in common and that was, they were married. Joe* approached me and only he knew that he was married but decided that he wasn’t going to tell me unless I asked and that’s only if I asked. Craig* on the other hand, well, he had no problem telling me that he was married but at first it wasn’t about the sex. It was just supposed to be a friendship. For many years I always told myself that I’d never mess with a married man, but I guess I wasn’t loud enough. With Craig*, I chose to do something I always told myself I wouldn’t do and Joe* I just had no idea.
Now if I’m a single woman not looking for commitment, then, a married man is perfect. A considerate person would think ‘what about his wife?’ And would be inconsiderate of me to not think about her feelings? So just because I’m single and not looking for commitment sexually involving myself with a married man doesn’t make it right. Many women would beg to differ but then again, these are the same women who see nothing wrong with being involved with a married man. To those women who beg to differ, let me ask you five questions.
First, can you honestly be with someone who is being disrespectful to his wife? Question number two, isn’t hiding exhausting? Yes, you may have it so that he can come to your place but to play it safe you always agree to meet in someplace out of the way. Now which place would be the perfect place, a hotel, in or out of town or at a friend’s who just so happens to be out of town and you have a key to his or her place. Just thinking about that was exhausting for my brain. Third question, why come second why not first? It’s great if you can come together but that’s not the point I’m making. My fourth question, doesn’t cheating on his wife kind of give you give you the impression that he’s not an honest man? Do you honestly think that you’re the only one he’s seeing? My last question, why limit yourself? Why would you want to be with someone who is going to have to sneak out to meet you or you have to meet at a secret location, only if you are meeting for a cup of coffee?
Now as a single woman who has had her share of married men, I’ve done some thinking. We actually allow these married men to have their cake and enjoy it as they are eating it. But in the long run we are only kidding ourselves. Really we as single women do have it in the back of our minds that, yes this is only just a fling but somewhere down the line our feelings do get involved whether or not we want them too. Then we either be strong and break it off or we give him an ultimatum. Yeah, yeah they promise to leave their wives but they don’t. We always hear, “when the time is right.” But the time was right when he was screaming out your name the night before. We are limiting ourselves when there are single men out there who we don’t think to look twice at. We can be some picky broads and by us being picky we are actually missing out on some good lovin.
I know there are women out there who say, they have no choice but to involve themselves with married men because there is a shortage of men. There’s a man shortage because we want what we can’t have and turn our backs on what wants us. There were and still are guys who approach me, some I’ve turned down because they just weren’t worth my time. But now I’ve learned that I have to give them a try because what I “need” from someone I want to love me, they may have. And at the same time they could also be the “one” that I am truly looking for.
After being involved with a married man, you’re still left holding the “shit” end of the stick. You still don’t know how to commit yourself to someone else because you didn’t have to. When it’s time to trust, you can’t because you were with someone who was lying to you, themselves and their mate. If he can’t commit to his mate, what makes you think that he’s going to commit to you? So why even put yourself in a situation like that? Again there are men out there, you just have to be willing and able to go out and seek them. And if you’re not looking for a commitment, there is a man, a single man out there willing to give you what you want.
Single Women, life is too short and your time is too precious to waste on a man who can’t even be true to themselves. Get up and get out and don’t be afraid to say yes to that single brother who is more than willing to give you the universe as well as something commitment free.
This is coming from a sister who was involved with a married man and who’s seen her parents marriage end in divorce because of infidelity.
Arnittress Dowdy 