Can you imagine having excruciating cramps every five minutes, then clots of blood flowing down? Placing pad on top of pad making it seem like you’re wearing a pamper? Finally the pain and the bleeding is too much the bear, so your mother takes you to the emergency room  where you find out that you are having a miscarriage. They pull this little thing out of you and place it in a jar. As you watch them so many emotions run through your mind. The first thought, why me? Second thought, why did this have to happen on Mother’s Day? After seeing your doctor, he tells you that you will never be able to have children. What? The? Fuck? Feels like a ton of bricks are hitting you and instead of falling down on you, they are all being thrown at you.

You eventually accept the fact that you can no longer have children and hope that whomever you end up falling in love with doesn’t want any. Sounds fucked up but hey it is what it is. Right?

Imagine months later you have praying hands touch you in a spot that only you know isn’t right. They place their hands in that spot and begin to pray and pray. 

Now imagine years after that, giving birth to two amazing, handsome, smart, energetic, funny, loving, outgoing boys. Or girls. 

After having a miscarriage, being told that I couldn’t and having praying hands, I birthed two boys. One came via c-section and the other I was able to push out.

As I watch them sleep or just stare at them I’m always amazed. I always said that if I ever had kids, I wanted a boy. Not one but two chose me to be their mother when they said it wasn’t possible.

I look at them and I truly believe nothing is impossible. So as I move forward, I know any and everything that I want for not only myself but for them is possible.

The Lady I Strive To Be

Through thick and thin you’ve always
been there for me.
You were always there to let me know
that if I believe in myself then anything is possible.
Well I believe and everything is possible.
You put me here on this earth to be
the best that I can be
You put me here to shine and that’s what I’m going to do.
With your blood, your genes and your strength
can’t nobody stop me!
I hope that I can instill everything that you’ve instilled
in me to my own.
You’re not just my mother, you’re my
eyes when I can’t see, my ears when I can’t hear
You’re the one who I run to not only for
words of encouragement but for strength to go on.
You’re also my fashion stylist guidance counselor and teacher.
Most importantly you’re my best friend.
So to you I say thank you,
thank you for giving me life, thank you for believing in me, thank you
for never giving up on me.
Thank you for being who you are
and who are you?
The Lady I Strive To Be!

Blue Pot

Just when I’m about to give up on hope, I always think about my Godfather Cecil. Uncle Cecil was a very beautiful person. No matter how upset you were with someone or something, Uncle Cecil was always able to put a smile on your face. Uncle Cecil was the person always being asked to be the Master of Ceremony for his retiring co-workers. Every new version of the electric slide dance that came out, Uncle Cecil was teaching me when I should have been teaching him. Uncle Cecil was my everything. We always used to place bets about my mother and her hair. My mom was always changing her hair, so you’d never know what to expect. So when she would come home after hours and money spent at the hairdresser, Uncle Cecil and I would try to figure out how long she would keep her new hair style. Back then, her style wouldn’t last a week. We would also make up our own words. Whenever my mom cooked and she had outdone herself Uncle Cecil and I would always say that the food was de-lah-cious since it was better than delicious. Uncle Cecil was just so fun to be around. He had a way of making you see the brighter side of things.

Now, there’s this blue pot that sits on my mother’s stove that fools everyone. The only time that she keeps something in it, is when she makes any type of beans. Now when Uncle Cecil would come over for dinner or his lunch break, he had the same routine. Uncle C would always call to see if I wanted anything. My reply was always, anything with Oreo cookies in it. And at seven o’clock uncle C would pull up in the driveway, he’d come in and give me my goodies, go into the kitchen, wash his hands in the sink and then head straight to that blue pot. There were days when he found beans and there were days, well, there was just nothing in the pot. He was always happy to see something in the pot but when there was nothing in the pot, he seemed to be happy yet shocked and he would always say, maybe tomorrow.

Before I went to school each morning my dad would leave me money so that I could get breakfast and lunch at school and after my after school activities I had money to either get something from the pizza shop or the Chinese restaurant. So I was prepared for when my mom didn’t cook. When I would get home, I’d finish up my homework and wait for my uncle to call and ask if I wanted anything but I never understood why he would never ask if my mom cooked. Once he got there, he went through with his routine. Sometimes I would want him to go straight to that blue pot when mommy didn’t cook but he never did. I always liked to see the smile on his face when he found nothing in the pot. Even after three days of finding nothing, on that fourth day he would still take the top off of the blue pot just to find another day that mommy hadn’t cooked. But he’d never stop lifting the top off of that pot.

In 1993 my uncle Cecil was diagnosed with Cancer. After being diagnosed, the only thing that was different about him was that he stopped smoking. Uncle Cecil still continued to live his life the way he was already living it. In the beginning stages of his cancer uncle Cecil had two bouts with pneumonia. The first time he had pneumonia, when we went to visit him, we had to wear masks so that our germs couldn’t come in contact with him even if we weren’t sick. Eventually he got better and we continued to play the guessing game with mommy and her hair. And he still continued to look into the blue pot. Some days he got lucky and on those other days, I was able to enjoy his smile followed by, maybe tomorrow.

Later that year we moved. When we moved into our new home, mommy made sure that she put that blue pot on the stove. Uncle Cecil still came over but now he would come over earlier since he was no longer working. When he would get there, he’d go straight to that blue pot to find nothing. He thought maybe since we moved to a new house mommy would change. NOT!

Even though Uncle Cecil was diagnosed with Cancer he was still in good spirits. He never let it get him down, which made him having Cancer easier for me. I never had the thought that he would be leaving me anytime soon.

In January of 1994, Uncle Cecil got really sick and was hospitalized. My mom spent her days and nights in the hospital by his side. Whenever I would come home from school and she wasn’t there, I knew exactly where she was. I would find myself in the kitchen and knowing that there was nothing in the pot, I would lift the top and smile. Every night that I did that, my mother would come home and say that Uncle Cecil was fine.

One night I was home studying for mid-terms, my mom came home and told me that I had to go visit my uncle in the hospital. I guess she knew that he was going to die at any time and she wanted me to see him one last time, even if, I had to visit him every day that week. At that time, I never thought about it as it being his last day, I was just happy to go visit uncle C. I wasn’t ready for what I was about to see. When we got to his room, Uncle Cecil wasn’t Uncle Cecil. Uncle Cecil was just a skeleton with skin covering his bones. He was trying so hard to sit up on his arm but he was steadily shaking. I had never seen my uncle like that and I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t want him to see me cry and the fact that he didn’t recognize me made things worse for me. I ran out the room but mommy was right behind me. She told me that Uncle Cecil couldn’t see me crying and I had to go back into the room. As I was wiping my tears heading back to the room, I thought about the blue pot and walked into the room. When I got there my brother was in there talking to Uncle Cecil who wasn’t able to respond. He was still trying to sit up and he was still shaking. As I looked at Uncle Cecil I kept thinking about that blue pot and I smiled. I knew that even though Uncle Cecil wasn’t going to make it, I still had the blue pot. When visiting hours were over with, we all left and headed home. My dad was home from work, so it had been a little after eleven when the hospital called. Uncle Cecil had passed.

There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about him. Whenever my mom cooks, her food is still de-lah-cious. I also now know why Uncle Cecil continued to take the top off of that pot. It was all about hope. The more you hope for something to happen it’ll happen. But in order to make it happen you have to have faith. At that time I didn’t understand but as I’ve gotten older………I now understand

Cup of Coffee

This cup says it all ‘Forever Dreaming’. 

As I sit here enjoying this cup of coffee, I think about this past year and half of mine. After being in an 8 year relationship, I packed up along with the help of my ex, my things and our boys things. Not knowing what was gonna happen, fearing the unknown, I left.

As I take another sip of this warm cup of coffee, I realize that I was stronger than I thought I was. I didn’t know how my kids and I were going to make it but with the help of my family and the special support system that I have WE made it.

As I sit here, sipping on the cup of coffee, I realize that, I found who I once was. I found the person who was striving to make a dream a reality. I found me.

As I take a sip from this cup of coffee, I feel grateful, I feel thankful. I may not be exactly where I want to be but I am closer than I was before.

As I take this last sip from my, forever dreaming cup of coffee, I take this last sip with love and pride and with a ton of energy to continue on.

The Best Gift Ever!!!

This morning I was awaken by the best alarm clock, the Happy Birthday song sung by my family. In July of 2009 and June 2011, I was gifted the best gifts ever. My sons. Today, they topped that. My mom said that when they got my birthday cards, she told them to look around to see if there was anything in the card shop that they might want to get me. They both looked around and picked out these little plaques. My oldest didn’t like the first one he read so he put it down. Then he picked up another one, read it and said that’s what he wanted to give me. She turned to my youngest and behold in his hand was the same one.


And here is where they told me to put it:



What Am I Afraid Of?

I’m afraid of many things such as snakes, tarantulas and anything else creepy and crawly and poisonous. I’m also afraid of anything that can catch me and tear me apart.

I’m afraid of not being the best parent that I can be for my kids.

I’m afraid that I will never experience true happiness. But I do know in order for me to experience true happiness, both my mind and heart have to be right and exactly on the same page.

I’m also afraid of success. Why? I don’t know. I know that I can handle it because I’ve had success before. For some reason I feel that I can be very successful in whatever it is that I decide to put my mind to. It’s a higher level of success that I’m afraid of. I know that I shouldn’t be but I am. As I sit here and think about it and why, I actually have no real reason. I think when that level of success is reached it will be at that moment when I overcome that fear. So I will work and do whatever is that I have to do to reach and confront.

So what are you afraid of?

Future, Past or Present?

If you could choose to live in the future, past or present, which one would you choose? I think that I would have to stick with the present. I would want to stay in the present because I have two lil guys and I wouldn’t want to rush their ‘growing up’. I also have my own aspirations and so much more that I have to learn as well as things that I want to learn. I just wouldn’t want to get there. The past has helped me become who I am today. It may have screwed me up a little bit but I’m here.

My past was very interesting. I had a great time discovering my self sort to speak. I’ve also met some good people. I experienced life the way that I have seen in movies and read about in books. I’ve put myself in situations that could have cost me my life but I survived. In most cases street smarts always beat book smarts. Now would I want to experience them again? Maybe. I’d just want to go back to specific moments. I wouldn’t want to re-live all.

Again, I wouldn’t want to go to the future because I don’t want to miss a day of my lil guys growing up. So living in the present is good enough for me. It gives me something to look forward to in the future.