MIND DUMP

Okay, so it’s been a looong time since I’ve posted and I can’t believe it, but I can at the same time. I had a mild stroke on April 15, 2020. How do I remember the date? Well, two reasons, that is something that I’ll never forget and secondly, that was when the first payments hit our accounts because of Covid-19. I know I’ve shared this but here’s a quick recap, I had a mild stroke and took many tests to figure out why, the last test, the doctor told me, the artery cleared up and shows no sign of stroke. So did I have a stroke or not? Yes, I did. I go to physical, speech, and occupational therapy for a few weeks. All therapists say that I don’t need the therapy but if I feel I need to, I can come back but they did give me some exercises that I could do on my own. Now what they don’t tell you is that you will have moments where you feel less than. What do I mean by that?

They explain to you that for some things like eating or writing you’ll have to put thought into doing those things. You pretty much have to re-learn how to hold your eating utensils as well as your writing utensils. They don’t tell you that you will feel less than, meaning you don’t feel capable of doing the things that you did. You learn about that when you go to support groups or talk to someone that has also had a stroke. They don’t tell you that you will have a period of time where you will be depressed. A lot of things I learned by talking to people and reading/educating myself. The people I spoke to and articles that I read didn’t tell me that I’d want to crawl into a hole and not want to come out of the hole. Those same people and articles didn’t tell me that I’d want to stop doing the things that I love to do. They also didn’t tell me that I’d have bouts with depression or have people/family think that my depression was an excuse or something that didn’t exist. They don’t tell you that, well they do tell you but you don’t believe that you will have moments when you have to think about what you’re about to say or how to say something. They don’t tell you you will have ‘senior moments.’ You go about your business and you come to these moments on your own and you’re like Perfect example: I was at the atm and put my card in and I’ve used this particular machine often. It asked me for my identification number and I was like huh? Any other machine asks for your pin number. I canceled the transaction and got my card back. As I was walking away I was like oh shit, it was at that moment when I realized that my identification number was my pin number. Mind you I had this stroke two years ago and I still have moments where I’m lost or either I don’t know at that moment. Here’s something else my mom moved into a new house in 2014 and one day after getting my hair done, I can take a cab to this little breakfast spot and then walk to my mom’s house since it was two minutes away from her old house. Seconds later I was like yeah no, can’t do that, she moved and it’s a longer walk.

What I can say is that during these two years, I’ve been able to focus on my writing which was/is important to me. It makes me feel that I didn’t completely lose myself. Some days I feel as if I’m ready to share and other days I feel like I’m not worthy. I’m so glad that I have people in my corner who believe that I’m capable and encourage me. It isn’t until now that I feel that I am worthy again and capable of it.

This may not make sense to you but I’m just sharing, just beginning to dump out all of the thoughts on my mind.