As I sit here, I don’t know what I’m going to type so I guess this is a writing free-style cause I’m just going to type what comes to mind as I go.
I find that negative thoughts are coming to my mind more easily that the positive thoughts. Or is it that I choose to hear the negative and ignore the positive? I don’t even know.
I often feel that I’m a wasted soul, not good for anything since I can’t seem to do right. I try so hard but nothing seems to pan out right.
Every morning an before I go to bed, I pray hoping that God hears my prayers. I know that he hears and already knows but I find it hard to patiently wait.
I tell myself don’t give up just yet because today was better than yesterday, so he hears you but you have to be still in order to see him work.
Why have I become so agitated? Why am I so anxious? Is it because I know that things are going to work out in my favor?
You know I’ve contemplated suicide but not in the way people think. I don’t have the balls to slit my wrists or even swallow so many pills? I can’t leave my family with thought of my daughter, sister, cousin, friend and mother killed herself because she felt unworthy or not enough.
If I kill the old me and take on anew maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel that I’m worthy, not anxious or agitated and I see that my prayers are being answered.
With that being said, I’ll continue to work on my projects and take deep breaths and be still.